Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
