for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
