I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
