wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
