call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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