Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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