Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
