Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
