I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
ttyl tear gas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
