She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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