I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
