I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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