remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
