Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
