My sheets look like a crime scene.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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