I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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