i already hear my dad disowning me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
