how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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