haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
