I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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