i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
