Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
