I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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