hotel room ftw
I want to have your abortion
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
