when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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