you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
