We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
