Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
