If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
