my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
