It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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