you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
