My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
