Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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