Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just gargled with NyQuil
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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