I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
