cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
