Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
