my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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