I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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