Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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