there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
