yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
