its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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