I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
