Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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