he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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