I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
