If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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