her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
