Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
