Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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