I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
