last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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